Dear Charlie…
I’m not sure how to break this to you, so I’m just going to blurt it out..
I think you’re Mommy cheated on your Daddy. I don’t think your Daddy is your Daddy. I think by the end of this story you’ll understand why I suspect this, and will most likely agree with me….
It all started last Friday when Mommy Dearest brought you to my house. You were all smiles and giggles. Little did I know. Grandma Plaintiff wasn’t home from work yet, and we’d agreed to take care of you for the weekend….
Everything seemed normal until right after Mommy Dearest left the driveway. Oh, her car was barely out of sight before you were off and running. I took you outside for a nice little walk. You seemed to enjoy the air. You waved at Grandma Plaintiff as she pulled in the driveway. You looked back at her when she yelled your name. But you didn’t stop moving forward. You seemed to laugh at me when I tried to chase you down. I think we were a mile or two short of the Canadian border when I finally caught you and got you turned around. Not to be out done, Grandma Plaintiff caught up with us and took your wiggling little body out of my arms. Before I could say anything to warn her, she set you down on the ground and the race was back on.
We took you back to the swing set… you giggled and laughed while we pushed the swing. You laughed each time you went down the slide. You demanded that your body never be allowed to stop moving…. It was then, that I began to suspect.
After the paramedics had finished giving Grandpa oxygen, I caught up with you and dragged your twitching body back to the house again. I ran inside the house to get a Kleenex and while I was gone, you conspired with the dog and went gallivanting down the street again. I’m not sure if you actually rode the dog to the Mexican border or just dragged her there, but thank God the border agents refused to let you cross without your passport. Back home again…
We finally got you in the house, strapped down to a chair and attempted to feed you dinner. Big mistake. Your little body was already jam packed with fuel and here we are trying to give you more… off and running again. I’m not sure why it didn’t dawn on me earlier, but looking back now over the weekend I don’t know how I missed it. Not only is he not your Father, I suspect you’re a hi-bred.
I’m not sure how, but we managed to get you home to your Mother Sunday morning. As we said goodbye to you, and you twitched against the restraints of the child seat, the idea that your mommy cheated began to really take hold. At no time during the weekend can I recall you sitting still. You were constantly in motion.
So hopefully you now understand why I suspect that your Mommy Dearest fooled around with the Energizer Bunny and that he is your true father.
Still love you,
Grandpa B.